I know I haven’t written in a while, and I’d like to tell you that it’s because I’ve been busier than usual, and I have. But what I’m learning is that my level of busyness is a few notches down from everyone else’s. Because I have depression, it’s sometimes difficult for me to leave the house. Heck, it’s difficult for me to get out of bed some days. And I know the frequency with which that occurs isn’t normal. But it’s my normal, my depressed normal. And I haven’t decided yet how I feel about it.
In the past, I had never felt bad about not being busy; frankly I hadn’t even noticed it. But this year, CJ’s a little bit older. He’s having more playdates and I’m getting to spend more time with his friends’ moms. Which I love, don’t get me wrong. I am BEYOND thankful to have mom friends who are experiencing the same struggles as I am as we raise our kids. But these moms are truly busy. They work, they come home, they make dinner, they participate in school events—one of them is even on the PTA! (Although, I would totally join the PTA if I didn’t work evenings). My point is, these moms have a full day, a fuller day than I could ever imagine. And they’re content! They’re happy. They’re able to do it all, or at least, do A LOT more than I do in a day. And they’re not hiding in bed feeling overwhelmed and exhausted at the end of it. They just wake up and do it all again the next day, as if it’s normal. As if they’re used to it.
For me, a busy day is running errands in the morning and taking the kids to the park in the afternoon. After a day like that, I don’t always have the energy to make dinner. A day that involves grocery shopping is a day I will definitely be taking a mid-afternoon nap. And any time I take my kids on a day-trip somewhere you can bet I’ll be out of commission when we get home, as in, in my bed for the rest of the night please don’t bother me not even if you have a booger you can’t figure out how to wipe off by yourself. I am taking my medication and I am trying to spend time outside each day, even pushing myself to get a short walk in when my schedule and feelings allow. I think, though, being busy just isn’t my thing. The overscheduled mom is not someone I can relate to. If one area of my life gets busy, I let another area go. Which is what happened recently. I had a few bigger projects due for school, I embraced a new cleaning routine, and I started Christmas shopping. All of which has led to a decrease in my online presence. I do try to keep up with my snarky comments on Twitter, but I haven’t felt like I’ve had the time to sit down and write a thoughtful post. So here I am now—thoughtful but maybe not as meaningful as I would have liked. Either way, I hope this post finds you well.
And not too busy.